Like I said, today was the day I finally gave notice at my nanny job that I am leaving. And I really didn't think I would be so sad! It is hard for me to disappoint people, and when I told the family that I was leaving, all the mother could say was "this is my husbands worst nightmare; he's been so afraid you were going to quit." And oh that made me feel so bad! Not to mention, I am going to miss that little sneeze-faced baby so much. There is a whole lot of muck in it today, but I know once I plow through it all I will be in sprinkle heaven (hopefully). My plan is to check something off on my Anything List. The something that I can realistically focus on right now is "Brooklyn Loft" because the move will be easy and will allow me to keep working on my masters at the school I am at now. Great. Now that I have picked a something, I am searching for all the sprinkles I can to put into it. I've scoured the internet for brokers and apartments in the neighborhoods I am interested in. I have made checklists and written down phone numbers to call. And while I've discovered that my dream neighborhood is not for those with thin wallets, I think if I accept that I have to downsize my expectations (give up the dream of a two bedroom and wake up to the reality of a teeny-tiny studio) I can still afford to live there. I have even ventured onto the Ikea website and have found a lovely selection of couches, even ones that will match my 1970's mint condition armchair that I envision being the focal-point of my itsy-bitsy living space. Sprinkles among the muck.
|the 1970's-mint-condition-armchair. and no, the cute pooch did not come with the salvo find.|
Now about that office job. It's not my dream. It's not a classroom, and it has nothing to do with children. It is head of human resources, it comes with a big fat paycheck (from a sneezeweed view anyway), and it is just for now. I think part of this whole growing up thing that we're all trying to do, is realizing that sometimes you can't have it all right from the get go. Sometimes you need to take the not-so-dream-job so that you can find happiness in other places. One happy something at a time. So I chose Brooklyn, and the HR office.
Yesterday I was looking through a bunch of old papers and journals from college and high school. I found an application for a college scholarship that I had written on why I want to be a teacher. I'll admit, it was not my most stellar writing, but it was heartfelt and it was real. I talked about the importance of giving back, and how teaching is the ultimate reward. I discussed how every student deserves an equitable education, and how I want to be the one to provide it for them. And after reading it I realized all over again, that despite the HR job with the pretty pay check, I can't wait to teach. So when I move into that office, and settle into the job that I am lucky to have been offered, the first thing I am going to do is frame that admission paragraph and prop it up on my desk. A constant reminder of where I am headed after the not-so-dream-job; a sprinkle in the muck of the office.
Aside from the Brooklyn loft, there are other sprinkles that I can see in my future. I will get to pick up ballet again. When there is a day that no one is home, I turn up the stereo and pirouette across the living room, I chasse back and forth across the wooden floor. I pass de bourree and pas de chat until I can't decipher one motion from the next, until my whole body is gliding effortlessly around while my mind drifts off into a faraway place. Ballet for me is meditation, it is therapy for my mind and body, and the long days of watching the little sneeze-baby has forced me to give it up for the past six months. It has been the longest span of time I have gone without sliding on my tights and ballet shoes since I was six years old, and my whole soul is yearning to hear someone speak those beautiful French terms so my feet can reply with just the right steps. Thinking about getting back to ballet isn't just a few sprinkles- it is the cherry on top.
And while I sit here and dream about my loft and Ikea, my office and the framed application paragraph, my 1970's mint condition arm chair and my ballet shoes, I am still trying to find the sprinkles in this day. While that is all to come in my not so distant future, today is where the muck is. Saying goodbye to the sneeze-baby, staring ahead into the long week after a holiday weekend, waiting for the house cleaner to leave- it's all today's muck. So I make my focus smaller. I can't have my loft today, but I can look forward to going home tonight and curling up on the 1970's-mint-condition-armchair with my pup and a good book. I can't pick up ballet for another month or so, but I can turn up the stereo and glide around with ease until then. I can't put the admissions paragraph on my desk for another few weeks, but I can stop at the store on my way home to buy the frame. And while I can't make this week go by any faster, I can look forward to a movie night with a friend and a haircut that are scheduled within it. And for right now? Little sneeze-baby is fast asleep and the house cleaner just left. A little more sprinkle, a little less muck.
The Daily Sneeze ((or what's fueling the fire today))
- round-trip tickets